“I run, but I’m not a runner.” Ever hear yourself saying those words? Yeah, me too.

My professional running career ended in 2001. I decided there was too much pressure to keep up with the elites and while I enjoyed the sport, I just did not quite have that “it” factor. It seemed like the right time to take a step back and see what else life had to offer outside the world of competitive racing. Oh, and did I mention I was 13 years old? And the “elites” were the kids running high school varsity cross-country at my local school district in Northwest Ohio? And the “competitive racing world” was junior high cross-country meets? Ok…so maybe “professional running career” was a bit of a stretch. But that was the last time I considered myself a “real runner”…at least for a long time…

After junior high, I gave up cross-country. I said I was interested in trying out other things, but the vulnerable truth is, I didn’t feel good enough. I was afraid to fail. I was afraid to not look the part. I was afraid of being found out. That I wasn’t a “fast” runner. That I wasn’t competitive enough. That I didn’t quite fit in. And that was when I went from being a runner, to being a “runner.”  

Over the years, I would still hit the pavement a couple of times a week but if I ever dared to claim the title of “runner” it was always with a caveat:

• I just run for my mental health.
• I only do a few miles here and there.
• I’m not fast like so-and-so.
• Oh, I don’t really do races…maybe some 5ks every now and then.
• There are months at a time when I don’t run.

So yeah, I’m not a really a “runner.”

But in my heart, I was a runner…a real runner. Running has always been an integral part of who I am. I hid behind the phrase “oh, I’m not a runner” so it was OK if I “failed”, or if I was not fast enough, or competitive enough. I felt like a running imposter. It wasn’t until I tackled my first half-marathon and joined running groups that I allowed myself to own and embody the identity of being a true runner. But why? Why did I wait until I checked certain boxes to allow myself to claim this space? I felt like an imposter.

Imposter syndrome is an all too common phenomenon that challenges our belief that we belong. Maybe you’ve started a new career, found a new hobby, picked up a new passion project and now feel behind the 8-ball. Like you’re late to the party. As if there are soooo many others out there who know soooo much more about your newfound field/interest. Or there are soooo many others out there who care soooo much more than you do. You begin to question if you even belong in that space despite feeling called to it. Welcome to Imposter Syndrome.

Imposter syndrome is an old friend of mine that has cast a shadow on much of my life. Introducing self-doubt, calling into question my knowledge and experience, challenging the belief that I belong. The funny thing about imposter syndrome is it makes us feel so alone, yet so many of us have experienced this phenomenon. When I asked my running communities on social media if they have ever felt like an impostarunner (yes, I literally just made that up that term but we’re rolling with it!), dozens of people responded, and the response was an overwhelming YES! And you do not have to be a runner or a “runner” to recognize this feeling…

I am a runner. But I’m not training for any races and I haven’t run in months due to pregnancy. I am so much slower, can barely make it two miles, and have no idea if I’ll ever be back to the distances I used to run. I just walk/jog these days. I guess I’m actually a “runner”.

I am an imposter.

I am a yoga instructor and a running coach. It’s just a side-hustle, a part-time gig. I don’t teach or coach full-time. There is so much I still have to learn and others out there who know so much more than me. I guess I’m actually a “yoga instructor” and a “running coach”.

I am an imposter.

I am a mother. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing! Everything feels like a guessing game. I’m not the first of my friends or even in my family to have a baby. They all seem to have it figured out and I’m just trying to survive the day. I guess I’m actually a “mother”.

I am an imposter.

I am a blogger. Does anyone actually care what I have to say? I have no formal journalism training. I’m only speaking from my experiences…but what is so special about that? I barely know how to put a website together and string together some words. I guess I’m actually a “blogger”.

I am an imposter.

Geesh Holly, that’s some heavy stuff! But does any of that sound familiar? Imposter syndrome can creep into any area of our life making us question our identities. We are socially constructed to believe there are rules or guidelines we must follow before we are allowed to claim an identity, reinvent ourselves, take up space in a new arena. As if there is a series of tests you must first conquer before getting the secret password to be admitted into the secret club you didn’t know existed.  

What if it doesn’t have to be that way? What if I am wrong? What if I do belong? What if I knew I was knowledgeable enough in the way that I know that I’m not? What if I knew I belonged in the space in the same way I know that I don’t? What if I believed I deserve to claim this identity in the same way I believe that I can’t? Well, that changes everything…

One Saturday night, I found myself rambling about my idea for this reflection to my best friend over a patio beer (when only the best ideas are truly hatched). She listened and nodded and said, “yeah, I run but I am definitely not a runner.” What??? (I thought to myself). Thank goodness I came armed with my soapbox! I started climbing up there to remind her that we had tackled an Ironman 70.3 together! We had trained for half-marathons together! We had competed in dozens of races together! Of course, YOU are a RUNNER! But before I could open my mouth and assign this identity to her, she said “I do it, but it’s just not part of who I am.” I quickly stepped down off my soap-box, put it back in its carrying case and tucked it away for future use. Huh…well there is a novel idea…Maybe, just maybe, we get to decide who we are and what identities we claim.

I asked my runner friends what made them a runner and their answers were all vastly different. It was anything from running, simply running, to moving your body in a walking/jogging/running motion. From the intention to improve to doing it because you want to. From simply believing you are a runner to putting in the work to achieve a goal. From getting out there weekly to running only every now and then but still doing it. Maybe, just maybe, we get to decide who we are and what identities we claim.

Allow me to introduce myself. Hi, I’m Holly. I’m a runner and I’m a “runner”! I’m a coach and a yoga instructor. I’m a mother. I’m a blogger. It is scary to say these things out loud, but THIS is who I am. Not because I checked all the right boxes, passed the tests, and got the secret password to be admitted to the club, but because I decided these are my identities.

I am a runner. It is part of who I am whether I am in the heart of training or casually exploring cities by foot. Whether I am putting in miles to untangle the stressors of life or building to a future goal. Whether I have no agenda or burning through intervals. I am a runner because it is who I am.

I belong.

I am a yoga instructor and a running coach. Even though there are other people with more experience and knowledge, we all have to start somewhere! I have over 500 hours of training, I am passionate about connecting to our mind and bodies, and I LOVE teaching and coaching. There will always be more to learn, to grow into, and to explore. I am a yoga instructor and a running coach because it is who I am.

I belong.

I am a mother. I have a beautiful son and I am doing the best I can with the information I have. I’m scared shitless most days and absolutely guessing, but I love him deeply and can’t wait to keep learning how to be the best mom I can for him. I am a mother because it is who I am.

I belong.

I am a blogger. (EEK!) This one still gives me anxiety but let’s go ahead and lean into it. I have a story to tell. And if it helps even one person feel like they belong then I’ve accomplished my goal. I am a blogger because it is who I am.

Whether you are a runner, a “runner”, or an impostarunner, know that you belong! You get to decide who you are. You do not have to wait for someone to assign the identity to you. You don’t have pass some series of tests. Or you can choose NOT to claim an identity. But the point is, YOU GET TO DECIDE and YOU BELONG. No matter what others say. You belong. So my friends, I’ll see you out there on the pavement…or not…be the runner (or “runner”) you want to be! You belong.

Welcome to Reflections of a Runner! Run. Reflect. Repeat.

What makes you a runner?